What does it mean to say “yes,” to say it with complete conviction without holding anything back. If I had truly said “yes” to Self, this “I” would be gone – annihilated, all my stories, all my desires, wiped away with that one word. So, there must be a “no” residing in the depths of consciousness, unwilling to give away its power, unwilling to lay down its resistance and retire into the peace.
To say “yes” with full knowing of the implications is rare. This crazy seeker believes that she is committed to enlightenment, believes that she would “do” anything to let the last shreds of small “I” go. I say that I am standing on the precipice, merely waiting for the teacher to give me that last small shove. I am ready. I am surrendered. But, if I had truly surrendered, if I resounded with “yes”, it would be done. To one who truly knocks the door is already opened.
In seeing this, I see the last remaining obstacle. And knowing that it is the last is frightening. My stomach churns with mourning for my death. It is only a small step that remains. The teacher has shown me my last hold-out, my remaining safe harbor, that which supports this image of self. It has been right there, screaming at me all my life, so simple yet so well hidden in plain sight.
Not unlike others, I have seen myself as distanced, unaccepted, on the outside looking in, for my entire life. When I began this search I did so in an attempt to fill this ache within, believing that the mystical would make me whole. It was a path and while on it I belonged to something bigger than myself, yet the sense of longing did not lessen. Quite the contrary, it loomed larger than life itself. And in that longing was the need to be accepted by others, including those on different paths – my mother, my sisters, my husband and children, the strangers looking at me with alarm when I talk about Self, if only in my imagination.
In my need to belong I am saying that I do not. I am saying “no” to my inherent wholeness. I am so tired of circular reasoning that leads to paradoxical answers. The circle never ends; one answer leads only to another question, never to peace. I see that I must release this last need, this need to belong to anything. It is this need that knots my stomach and causes me to be uptight as it attempts to make me into something other than what I am.
There is a choice. I can remain in pain, in the harbors of perceived safety with this knot called “uptight” for company or I can surrender even this last protection mechanism. I can let go, once and for all, of the need to belong and say “Yes!” with true conviction, at last holding nothing back. I can rush blindly into the unknown, unafraid, with nothing and no one left to protect.
For each of us it is a different hold-out. Once we clear away the garbage there is always something else hiding in the recesses of our minds, most likely screaming silently for attention. Once “yes!” resounds without exception, the door vanishes. Nothing remains.