For most of my life I have been searching for the man of my dreams.
However, there has always been this lingering fear of not being able
to find him. Twice in my life I have felt that I had found this perfect
picture. But you know, fear is an interesting emotion. When we discover
fear in one playground of our lives, sooner later, as we work our process,
it will appear in another. What I'm saying here is during these two
relationships there was a fear of losing each of them. Being so into
resistance of feeling the fear and processing it, of course I created
losing each of them, creating exactly what I was trying to avoid.
We all learn to identify ourselves by the decisions that we make
about ourselves as we're growing up. Personally, I see the majority
of these decisions being made within about our first fifteen months
(from conception to about six months). After this period, we create
the experience which we call "our life" from these decisions, past life
decisions, and other beliefs that we make from and about external stimuli,
people and life in general.
These decisions range from how we are as a person, "I am attractive,"
"I am shy" to an identity of what it means to be either a female or
a male. An example of this for females may be "I am a female and this
means that I have to be submissive to males" (a paradigm that is slowly
shifting). And an example for males "I am a male and this means that
I have to be the protector and leader (head, sole supporter) of the
family" (another paradigm that is slowly shifting). To these core blocks
we conjoin a mental image that we perceive is the ideal person for us
to be. And from these, often unconscious, core issues we react and create
our current "circumstances" in our lives. Here also is where we create
our beliefs about what it means to be in a female or male body, those
distinctive, typical, peculiar qualities for us to be correct, right,
perfect as a female or a male. With this perfect picture in place (what
it is to be a perfect female or male) we go through our lives attempting
to uphold it.
As an example, my perfect picture has always been that of Cinderella.
Within this image Prince Charming, of course, who is strong, handsome,
wise, wealthy, etc., will come rescue me from every detail in my life
that I find objectionable. This type of thinking, this gender ideal
with its counterpart for the perfect partner, is the norm for each of
us. As we begin to work our process more consciously, every one of us
will find this departure from our True Self. With these pictures in
place, what we find ourselves doing is comparing ourselves to the perfect
image we hold for ourselves. And we compare our potential partners to
the ideal we have for our ideal partner. In maintaining these facades
(ours' and others') we never create relationships (with others and with
ourselves) in which we connect with the True Self (in others and in
ourselves). Furthermore, we don't allow others or ourselves to be who
we truly are. Hence, we create relationships in which we try to complete
ourselves by looking outside of ourselves searching for our wholeness.
As we begin to look at the cause for our deteriorating relationships,
these may be our findings.
Upon discovering the façade, we may realize that in addition
to the respectful, awesome qualities, there may be some self-limiting
qualities included. Examples for females with their Cinderella façade
may be when she is full of sweetness and light, she may not be assertive
and own her own space, trying to please everyone. Then when "it gets
to be too much" she "blows-up" at whomever may cross her path. For the
male and his Prince Charming façade, he may find the aspects
of being brave and assertive but along with these he may find himself
to be totally insensitive of others. These combinations of internal
and external ideals seem to be a root cause for our looking outside
of ourselves for our own completion and fulfillment. This denial of
our own wholeness, both female and male energies and expressions of
them through ourselves, is what is behind our creation of our own Self-separation.
Have you ever noticed how the "real" man with all of his bravado and
assertiveness, but lacking in sensitivity always seems to have the "real"
woman with all of her gaiety and sweetness and light, but lacking in
assertiveness? And how the "real" woman always seems to be with the
"real" man? Within the old paradigm, this was the model that we learned
The Life Force (Prana, Ki, Chi, Manu, etc.) is neither female nor
male in its individuality. But it is both female and male in its totality.
We are who we have defined our consciousness as being either female
or male and along with this definition, the expectation of how we should
be. And because we define ourselves as either female or male, giving
ourselves a gender image, we begin to make separations from this natural
energy flow in its totality. These separations go along with our own
perceptions of what it means to be female or male for others and ourselves.
Following through with this process we repress and deny our fullness
of expression, resulting in our not experiencing our own and others'
One might ask, "How do I experience my own wholeness?" Experiencing
this wholeness isn't so much attempting to unify these two polar energies
as it is to becoming aware of these natural aspects of the fullness
of expression within ourselves. This allows us to not deny those aspects
that we have defined as of our opposite gender.
Each and every one of us is a unique interpretation of the Life
Force. This Life Force, as stated earlier, is not just a blend, but
is the perfect blend of female and male energy qualities. And when we
allow ourselves to express ourselves naturally, in spontaneity, this
perfect balance for each of us shines through. We each have a slightly
different balance of these energies and their related qualities; this
is what makes us each unique individuals. When we learn to look at each
other from this Life Force or Spirit level, we don't see a woman or
a man, we simply see the unique blend of these two energies and their
related qualities; we simply, without judgement, see the Light or Spirit
in each other.
berry is the director of Golden Hearts Healing Center in Sellwood,
located at 1306 SE Miller Street. Among his credits are former staff
member at Center for the Healing Arts; former staff member at Heart-Rose
Healing Center; private and group sessions, lectures and workshops
nationally, including meditation, aura healing, clairvoyant reading,
Rebirthing, Emotional Body Healing™, Reiki, and Hatha Yoga.
He was the closing speaker at the Spring '98 Psychic Fair at Montgomery
Park and is looking forward to participating at the Fall '99 Psychic
Fair at the Forestry Center.
For private or group sessions and classes phone berry at (503)
233-3331 or (503) 727-2441