What does it mean to say yes, to say it with complete
conviction without holding anything back. If I had truly said yes
to Self, this I would be gone - annihilated, all my
stories, all my desires, wiped away with that one word. So, there
must be a no residing in the depths of consciousness,
unwilling to give away its power, unwilling to lay down its resistance
and retire into the peace.
To say yes with full knowing of the implications is
rare. This crazy seeker believes that she is committed to enlightenment,
believes that she would do anything to let the last
shreds of small I go. I say that I am standing on the
precipice, merely waiting for the teacher to give me that last small
shove. I am ready. I am surrendered. But, if I had truly surrendered,
if I resounded with yes, it would be done. To one who
truly knocks the door is already opened.
In seeing this, I see the last remaining obstacle. And knowing
that it is the last is frightening. My stomach churns with mourning
for my death. It is only a small step that remains. The teacher
has shown me my last hold-out, my remaining safe harbor, that which
supports this image of self. It has been right there, screaming
at me all my life, so simple yet so well hidden in plain sight.
Not unlike others, I have seen myself as distanced, unaccepted,
on the outside looking in, for my entire life. When I began this
search I did so in an attempt to fill this ache within, believing
that the mystical would make me whole. It was a path and while on
it I belonged to something bigger than myself, yet the sense of
longing did not lessen. Quite the contrary, it loomed larger than
life itself. And in that longing was the need to be accepted by
others, including those on different paths my mother, my
sisters, my husband and children, the strangers looking at me with
alarm when I talk about Self, if only in my imagination.
In my need to belong I am saying that I do not. I am saying no
to my inherent wholeness. I am so tired of circular reasoning that
leads to paradoxical answers. The circle never ends; one answer
leads only to another question, never to peace. I see that I must
release this last need, this need to belong to anything. It is this
need that knots my stomach and causes me to be uptight as it attempts
to make me into something other than what I am.
There is a choice. I can remain in pain, in the harbors of perceived
safety with this knot called uptight for company or
I can surrender even this last protection mechanism. I can let go,
once and for all, of the need to belong and say Yes!
with true conviction, at last holding nothing back. I can rush blindly
into the unknown, unafraid, with nothing and no one left to protect.
For each of us it is a different hold-out. Once we clear away the
garbage there is always something else hiding in the recesses of
our minds, most likely screaming silently for attention. Once yes!
resounds without exception, the door vanishes. Nothing remains.
Gayle Gregory is a personal coach and management consultant
working with businesses and groups to create Intentional Cultures.
She can be contacted at 503.313.1260 or by email at email@example.com