single today is not easy. Understatement, I guess in light of the
many single ads, books, services and options which attempt to address
this life status. Why is this? There are two fundamental problems
here. First, it is difficult, for a number of reasons, to be at peace
with being single. Second, it is very difficult to meet other singles,
in most any environment much less a healthy environment or process.
This search for other singles is made more difficult when trying to
find others who are conscious as well.
"Conscious?" You say, "What does that mean exactly?" In dictionary
terms it means "perceiving or noticing with a degree of controlled
thought." In contemporary terms, it is coming to mean to have the
capacity for a divided awareness or co-consciousness. All this really
means is that one can take a step back in an awareness of oneself,
of oneself with others, of oneself in relationship to tasks, objects,
the world, etc. One has the capacity to self observe
Certainly, being conscious is one of the hallmarks of our humanness
and it is in fact becoming a growth industry, both in the amount
of it (thank the creator!) and in the kinds of things that are by-products
of it. Those who are conscious seem to share interests in healthy,
holistic living, personal growth, spirituality, metaphysics, recovery,
social issues and the environment.
Being a conscious single means two things. First, that you are
someone who has conscious capacities and hence conscious interests.
Second, that you go about your singleness and your path to connectedness
with a certain amount of awareness.
Having awareness increases one's capacity to be an adult or grownup
with oneself and has three areas of focus: historical, internal
and external. It is vital to be co-conscious regarding one's historical
or childhood legacy, one's internal relationship with oneself, and
one's external behavior. This is one of the main points I make with
my clients--that it is incumbent on the grownup part of them to
be present and therefore self-monitored in these areas. For the
conscious single, being aware in these ways will make for a healthier,
saner, and hopefully more successful life.
When we are operating with co-consciousness we are coming from
a calm, centered, confident place as opposed to the anxious, needy,
frantic, reactive, or insecure place.
The historical component has to do with how our family of origin
has influenced us in our lives. Our childhood and family experiences
create a kind of imbedded programming that is pervasive in impact.
In regard to being single, our imbedded programming can be affecting
how we feel about being a single person, how we search, whom we
search for, what our expectations are, and even how successful we
are. So it is incumbent on our conscious internal therapist to uncover
the historical programming that might be interfering with us and
do some editing. The first step is awareness. This programming is
complex and entrenched and sometimes difficult to change. Because
of space limitations, let's look at just one part of this scripting.
How easy was it to get what you needed in your family? How your
needs were met and what you had to do in return can, I think, influence
how you feel about meeting someone, how you go about it, and what
you feel you have to give to become coupled. Ponder this with awareness
and see where you get.
The internal focus or one's self-self relationship is a crucial
aspect or ingredient necessary to have a saner existence. Inner
self awareness leads to a competent internal grown-up. I tell my
clients that my job is to teach them how to develop a good internal
grown-up and competent "internal psychologist." As this aspect grows
they will be able to solve the problems they came to see me for
themselves and then they can fire me! In terms of being a conscious
single, it is imperative that we have a healthy relationship with
ourselves before we can have healthy interpersonal relationships.
How can we be intimate with others if we aren't intimate with ourselves?
And becoming intimate requires us to be conscious and, as said earlier,
The external focus is simply the development of successful behavior
strategies for meeting others and how to healthily go about dating.
This can range from how you put yourself in a position to meet others,
to evaluating your expectations, or to maintaining the basket theory
of dating (as in don't put your eggs in just one).
There is much more to say and explore on the topic of being conscious
and being a conscious single. What I want to do is to assist in
making the journey to healthy connectedness easier and imbued with
a sense of positiveness.
Joel Rachelson, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist
and the founder/director of Conscious Singles: The Network for
Professional Connections whose goal is to create a supportive
community of committed, caring and conscious singles. You can
visit thier website at www.conscioussingles.com where this discussion